An eccentric and delusional senator from Vermont whom everyone “likes” and whose ideas look good “on paper” but c’mon, they’re totally impracticable and unrealistic and he was never a serious candidate, was teaching a sit-in about Salvador Allende, known socialist.
“Before the revolution begins, you must get on your knees and renew your pledge of allegiance to Leon Trotsky and permanent revolution to defeat Women once and for all!” said the senator.
At this moment, a totally qualified and trustworthy and visionary leader who looks just like your abuela stood up bravely under fire of Bosnian snipers wearing a reasonably priced haircut sponsored and paid by Goldman Sachs which by no means casts doubt on her seriousness in tackling inequality and corporate cronyism, why would you think that, are you some kind of sexist?
“Hey Berniebro, what’s this?” said the former director of Wal-Mart.
The senator smirked misogynistically and viciously mansplained, “A roster of all Democratic voters registered for the New York primary, you neoliberal shill.”
“Wrong. It’s the transcript of my $225,000 Wall Street speech, which no American voter would care to see if I weren’t a woman, a woman who’s had to face undue scrutiny just because my biggest backers all happen to be the banks I promised to rein in, which certainly won’t happen at all if you vote for my colleague from Vermont, because a vote for him is a VOTE FOR TRUMP.”
The senator was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of Das Kapital. He limped out of the room whinging about N.A.F.T.A. and the T.P.P. The same trade agreements anyone who cares about free and fair trade should unequivocally support, as Hillary Clinton did throughout her tenure in two progressive administrations (except when she repudiated both when liberals came out against them but hey, this shows her capacity for maturation and growth, why do you hate women?). There is no doubt that at this point our senator, Bernard “White Boyz 4 Bernie” Sanders, wished he had been something more than an inconvenient hurdle for Hillary’s Wall Street-given claim to the White House throne. He wished so much to have A.I.P.A.C.’s unwavering endorsement, but he himself had questioned Israel’s unflinching right to slaughter Arab civilians!
The students applauded and purchased stock in the for-profit prison industry and swore to vote “Blue No Matter Who.” King Salman of Saudi Arabia and Benjamin Netanyahu joined hands in lavishing riches upon the Clinton Foundation, and women of color broke through the glass ceiling to become pilots of predator drones. The leaked e-mails were expunged from the F.O.I.A. record, and Henry Kissinger himself showed up and helped her plot to topple democratically elected leaders in Latin America.
The senator lost the primaries and was reduced to a life of obscurity. He was found homeless and hitchhiking on the highway by a group of indentured students, holding a sign that read “Bernie or Bust.”